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Psalm 88:3 ESV

'For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol.'

The phrase “the shadow of one’s former self” is familiar. I certainly observed that in myself as I fulfilled the role of carer for my first wife. It was the unrelenting impact of her declining health combined with my own lack of an answer to make everything better again. My mood darkened, my humour became barbed and my patience exhausted. It was difficult to accompany Katey over those days. My faith was challenged and all those positive affirmations so easily presented from the pulpit all came back to haunt me. I was unable to find comfort from a single one, however deeply embedded in truth they were.

The psalmist here refers to Sheol, the land of the dead in Hebrew understanding. Populated by shadows there was no memory, no sound and no light. It was the destination for all, human and beast, righteous and unrighteous. Here we discover the psalmist has reached the end of himself. He fears he is on the very edge of Sheol. Hope drains from him and he holds onto God with little hope or expectation of deliverance. We can find ourselves there.

My own journey taught me that I needed to reach an end of myself. Surprisingly to me, this took far longer than I imagined possible. I fought this draining of my hope and the essence of life itself. I fought it, not by taking my stand with God, but rather by complaining about the loss of everything I wanted from God to make my life comfortable and complete. I wanted a God-shaped plan designed by myself. I was ill-prepared to walk alongside a God who reminded me I’d surrendered all of myself to him.

A longing for death was born out of the apparent failure of God or my friends to rescue me from my hellhole. I thought back to the reactionary child within me, always wanting his own way, and discovered God’s discipline was as painful as that of my parents’. I fought hard and lived among the shadows of Sheol for a time.

QUESTION: What do you do when your soul is full of troubles?

PRAYER: Lord, I’m thankful that even in the valley of the shadow of death you have promised you will be there.