lystn

Genesis 32:24 NLT

'A man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break.'

Alone and fearful, Jacob finds himself fighting for his life. So often the most intense battles I have endured have been through the night, alone, feeling isolated and in many ways wondering as to the purpose of my life, if not fearing for it. This is similar in many ways for without hope, life itself becomes a burden, apparently unendurable.

In my youth I was supported by a naïve enthusiasm about life. I had not endured many setbacks. Life stretched out before me and through education, the encouragement of parents and an expansive self-confidence, I assumed all would be well in this best of all possible worlds.

Having outwitted his twin, Jacob stood between a rock and a hard place. Having had his trust in humanity seriously challenged through his service of Laban, he faced the prospect of his brother taking his revenge as he returned home. Everything precious to him appeared to be under threat and his confidence in his ability to scheme his way out was minimal.

I can remember discovering the harsh reality of competitiveness that undergirded Christian ministry. I was shocked at the misrepresentations made about those sharing the same Christian blood ties. My assumption that the Christian community by virtue of its shared faith and Lord was immune from the mores of wider society soon began to peel away. I was shocked to discover that taking the name of Christ was not the same as taking the form of Christ. When tragedy struck my own life, my confidence in myself and in my chosen beliefs drained away. Where once I was full of eager anticipation, now I awoke each morning an empty shell with little motivation or desire to rise and greet the day.

The man I wrestled with was myself. It was also the persona of God as I had imagined him to be. So in my despair and caught up in a fight, I, like Jacob, demanded to know God’s name. This was because my experience was neither what I’d expected nor indeed wanted. I had to rediscover myself that I might mature in my faith and understanding.

QUESTION: Does life feel as if you are wrestling with God?

PRAYER: Lord, mould me and shape me into your image and no others.